Holding On

Recently I discovered myself holding on to something.

Heavy-Burden

I had been holding on to it for quite a long time. I can remember when I began holding it. You would think I would have let go by now. I couldn’t.

The brutal honest fact is that most of the time I didn’t know I was holding it. I had become so comfortable with it that I forgot I was holding it.

During a counseling session a couple of weeks ago, I suddenly realized I was holding it.
(Yep. Counseling. Mom it’s okay. People can know that your 42-year-old son is seeing a counselor.)

It was heavy. Unbearably heavy.

How did I become so comfortable with this extremely heavy burden?

Over the course of almost three decades I had learned to live with it. It is a close comfortable friend. Well, not really a friend.

I’m sure you understand. I’m sure there is a person in your life that is always around. You’ve tried to leave a few times, but the separation never really happens. They are with you.

Always.

Many times they are present during the good times. But you know in your heart the soul piercing dagger they wield will show up eventually. Once again you will wonder why you put up with their mere presence in your life.

But you know why you let them remain. They are comfortable. An always present baseline of sorts.

Soul sucking people. Soul sucking events. Soul sucking, joy killing actions.

Why do we hold them so tightly?

What I’m holding isn’t a person. It is an event. More accurately, a series of events.

These events came to me one at a time. Each one found a place to sit in my psyche. One at a time doesn’t weigh too much. All together is a different story.

 

Are you holding something tightly that is destructive? How long have you had a death grip on it? What would happen if you let it go?

 

**Read “Letting Go” to learn more about my depression and ongoing recovery/”battle”.

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10 thoughts on “Holding On

  1. Very deep and personal subject. I admire your sharing. It’s never easy of letting go and yet, if we could only realize how the load could be lifted once we let go. Somehow, we feel comforted to holding on to things, issues, habits, thoughts, feelings and even people. What a waste of time, energy and effort to holding on to destructive things. But once we finally let go, how we learn to see things in a much clearer perspective. Loved this post!

  2. You had this girl shaking her head. Oh, how I know what it’s like to hold on to something so tightly and for so long, that eventually I forget why I even began holding onto it in the first place. Looking forward to Thursday!

  3. I let go of worry many years ago. I was never a worry wort but became one after a stretch of 8 years of constantly dealing with heart breaking events and I started anticipating that more bad things laid ahead. It was hard to start letting go of that worry. It became a feeling I knew and it was scary to believe I wouldn’t be knocked to the ground again if I allowed myself to let my guard down. We cannot anticipate the future, we don’t know what it will hold so why worry about it but yes, it took a little work and a few counseling sessions to change back to a more worry free me. Counseling is a wonderful tool to help anyone get unstuck as I call it and help you see things from a different angle. I’m so glad you are getting unstuck and starting to let go of things that need to go. Great post and topic!

  4. For me it is the overwhelming feeling to provide for my family. I always feel like we are one hiccup away from a financial disaster. This is mostly in my head because we are doing fine by needs standards.