Tag Archives: Understanding

Dreaming With My Spouse

A few weeks ago I sat down on the couch with my wife. There really isn’t anything unusual in that action. It seems we do this every night. But this night was a bit different. Neither of us turned on the TV. I actually asked her to sit next to me. I wanted to share my dream with her.
That action and request by me was the unusual part.

We’ve been married for 20 years.

I don’t ever remember sitting down together to share our dreams.

I had written my BIG DREAM down on paper a couple of weeks earlier. I had even gone to the trouble of planning out a time-line for achieving my dream. I have, on paper, a rough sketch of the next 3 years and what actions I would like to take in order to achieve my BIG DREAM. I won’t bore you with the details, but it begins with a few small steps this year. Next year a few more steps, larger steps, are planned. The final year leading up to the BIG DREAM, includes a few ginormous steps.

How in the world have my wife and I been married for over 20 years and never intentionally taken the time to discuss and write down our BIG DREAMS? Some of you may think this inconceivable! I’m suddenly in agreement. Now I have a desire to share more often. If my wife and I are truly on the same team (#TeamTheule), we should have full knowledge of each other’s dreams, goals, and desires.

My wife had an idea of what my BIG DREAM looks like. She knows I want to write and speak. But we have never talked about it on purpose. As I look back over our 20+ years of marriage, I can’t help but wonder how many times we missed out on something incredible because we didn’t share our thoughts with each other. We’ll both tell you we were too busy to think about BIG DREAMS. For a majority of our marriage we have lived in survival mode.

When we were first married, I was still in college. My wife began working full-time as a Registered Nurse three months after our wedding. I was struggling through another semester of college. I can remember dropping her off at the hospital for her night shift. In the morning I would pick her up and we’d make our way to the college campus where I would spend my day while she went home to sleep. Later in the day she would pick me up. We would have a couple of hours together, and then I’d bring her to work. Let me say this as politely as possible: Third shift sucks when you are a newlywed. (My wife would probably tell you it sucks no matter what the situation.)

So, we didn’t spend very much time together. This wasn’t the best situation for our new marriage, but how were we to know any better? I needed to finish school, and she had a full-time job. Perfect right? No. Not perfect. Not perfect for most marriages, but particularly bad for our new marriage. We needed to spend time together. We hadn’t been in close proximity to each other for the two and a half years leading up to our wedding in December of 1993. After graduating from college in 1991, my wife went home. 2,400 miles away. Yep. We survived a long distance relationship. Within about a month of her leaving I knew I had to go after her. I called and asked if I could hop a plane to visit her. Thankfully she said yes. That was the first of many planes I hopped to go visit her. But a few in-person visits, many phone calls, and quite few letters, cannot replace proximity when you are trying to learn everything about your future spouse. (I wonder how different it would be now with texting and Facetime and Google Hangouts available.)

Every time we saw each other in person we had to become acquainted again. The experience is somewhat similar to being involved in a great online community, say through a closed Facebook Group, and then suddenly meeting some of your great online friends in person.

In a sense, the cards were stacked against us. We never learned how to properly communicate face to face. We got married, life together began, two incredible boys came along, and we continued to live in the craziness of life. In the blink of an eye, 20 years went by.

Last spring life came to a momentary halt. I lost my job of 16 years. I was suddenly given more time than I ever imagined. Time to think and reflect on my life. Now what? Over the last 10 months I believe I’ve figured it out. I figured out what the BIG DREAM is for me. I went back to work two short months after losing my job. I’m doing essentially the same thing I was for the 16 previous years. But now I have an idea of where I’m called to go. I have an idea of the BIG DREAM for my future. I’m not quitting my current job anytime soon because as I once heard a very wise woman say, “Income helps.”

I’m looking forward to more time sitting on the couch with my incredibly patient and understanding wife. She has dreams too. I think. Maybe we should sit on the couch tonight.

Do you communicate well with your spouse? Do you share your BIG DREAM?
If you’re not married, do you have someone with whom you share your BIG DREAM?

#Next3Decades

Love and Law

14 Replies

I’ve been feeding on the doctrine/theology of my beloved Calvinist tradition.
My brain is well fed.
My heart is starving.
#Next3Decades

{This is a re-post from November 11, 2013.}

I posted these words on my Facebook page Sunday morning before leaving for the morning church service. It stirred up an interesting collection of comments.

If you are wondering about the last line, #Next3Decades, I’m using this phrase for the next few months at the end of Facebook and Twitter posts. I may use it all through 2014. It is intended to remind me, and maybe you, that change is possible. A friend of mine used it when I posted something about the last 30 years of my life. It grabbed me. I need to let go of the last 3 decades. I need to look to the #Next3Decades.

And that is the reason I posted the first three lines.

I haven’t posted here in about four weeks. At first I wasn’t 100% sure why. I had plenty of material available to post and promote. It would have led to some great discussions. But, I wasn’t happy with it. (I’ll post it at a later date. I still like it. It will promote conversation.)

In my heart I knew I needed to look for something else. I needed different content for my current frame of mind.

I found it.

Now back to the first three lines of the Sunday post.

The question that continually came to mind over the last few weeks related to something that was missing.

I was missing something. Something big.

What was I missing?

Grace and forgiveness.

My head is full of wonderful doctrine and theology. I collect it. I study it. I look for it in everything I read. I listen for it in every sermon.

During a counseling session I suddenly realized it wasn’t enough.

I had the head knowledge. I knew the words describing grace and forgiveness.

I knew Jesus had died on the cross for me. I knew that God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit loved me.

I knew it in my head.

How did I miss the part about my heart?

Don’t get me wrong, please. I’m not upset or disappointed with my Calvinism. I’m not upset with my upbringing and education. I will always love and spend time with doctrine/theology. And, I have no intentions of “falling off the wagon” so to speak. But, in the last six months my eyes and heart have been opened to what I was missing.

It was being offered to me from the pulpit, in my reading, through my music, in person by great friends, etc.

My defective brain didn’t let my heart see it or feel it.

I have hundreds of pages of journal notes about grace and love over law. But recent events have “cracked my heart open”.

Now it is time for me to allow grace and love to pour into me and over me.

Please join the conversation. Return to my blog every Monday and Thursday. I’ll do my best to make it worth your time.

Have you ever been stuck on the law? Have you ever been stuck on the love?

Thanksgiving Perspective

Leave a reply

“Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me.” – Mark 9:37 (NIV)

It is Thanksgiving Week in the United States. Many of us use this week, and Thanksgiving Day, to connect with family and friends to enjoy fellowship and share what we are thankful for in our lives.

I’m not going to spend a lot of words today trying to guilt you into feeling bad about the good and wonderful things God has blessed you with this year. I’m simply going to ask you to click on the links below.

Read the stories.

Investigate the opportunities to share.

Rejoice. Give thanks. Share as you are able.

Opportunity #1 – God’s Littlest Angels Orphanage in Haiti – November 29 through December 1!
My friend Tom Vanderwell works for GLA. He lives near me in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Tom is passionate about his work and the incredible opportunity that is available through a partnership with Family Christian Stores and Best Selling Author, Karen Kingsbury.

Click this link to read about the opportunity to help raise $500,000 to build a new neonatal facility in Haiti: The Haiti Challenge. Three Days, One Orphanage & You.

Opportunity #2 – SafeWorld Medical Clinic in Uganda – NOW through December 12!
My friend Matt Chambers is the Director of SafeWorld projects. He has assembled a team with a dream for Uganda.

The goal is $50,000.

1,000 people $50 each

WHY BUILD A HOSPITAL?
In the United States, we have 1 physician for every 390 people. In Nakaseke District, Uganda (where SafeWorld is based), there is only 1 physician for ever 29,000 people. As we researched the most immediate, effective, community-building ways we could help, this seemed the most crucial need. When we met with all the village, parish, and district leaders, they were unanimous that this should be the first building we construct.
Affordable access to excellent healthcare changes EVERYTHING.

Click this link for more information and to donate: http://hopemob.org/s/1ts-help-us-open-a-medical-clinic-in-uganda

Rejoice. Give thanks. Share as you are able.
Have a great week!