Recently I discovered myself holding on to something.

I had been holding on to it for quite a long time. I can remember when I began holding it. You would think I would have let go by now. I couldn’t.

The brutal honest fact is that most of the time I didn’t know I was holding it. I had become so comfortable with it that I forgot I was holding it.

During a counseling session a couple of weeks ago, I suddenly realized I was holding it.
(Yep. Counseling. Mom it’s okay. People can know that your 42-year-old son is seeing a counselor.)

It was heavy. Unbearably heavy.

How did I become so comfortable with this extremely heavy burden?

Over the course of almost three decades I had learned to live with it. It is a close comfortable friend. Well, not really a friend.

I’m sure you understand. I’m sure there is a person in your life that is always around. You’ve tried to leave a few times, but the separation never really happens. They are with you.

Always.

Many times they are present during the good times. But you know in your heart the soul piercing dagger they wield will show up eventually. Once again you will wonder why you put up with their mere presence in your life.

But you know why you let them remain. They are comfortable. An always present baseline of sorts.

Soul sucking people. Soul sucking events. Soul sucking, joy killing actions.

Why do we hold them so tightly?

What I’m holding isn’t a person. It is an event. More accurately, a series of events.

These events came to me one at a time. Each one found a place to sit in my psyche. One at a time doesn’t weigh too much. All together is a different story.

 

Are you holding something tightly that is destructive? How long have you had a death grip on it? What would happen if you let it go?

 

**Read “Letting Go” to learn more about my depression and ongoing recovery/”battle”.