Tag Archives: Guilt

I’m A Failure

I’m a failure.

Take a look at the picture below. What’s wrong? Weeds. Lots and lots of weeds. Ugly and unsightly weeds.

The weeds are taking over the flower bed. They are choking out the flowers.

I’ve failed to stay ahead of the weeds.

The same can be said for my writing.

You may have noticed my absence in publishing anything to the blog. In fact, it has been a month since I last posted something here. I can assure it wasn’t for lack of desire to interact with you, my readers. My desire to write over the last month has equaled my desire to take care of the weeds in the flower bed.

Every single day I’ve wanted to spend some time working on the writing.

Every single day I’ve wanted to pull a few weeds.

It hit me yesterday afternoon, as I was pouring with sweat pulling the weeds, that the weeds represented my writing. If I spend a few minutes every day on both, they will remain beautiful to look at and enjoy. Instead, I spent quite a few hours in the yard yesterday attempting to return it to something beautiful to look at.

It was great. It was fun. The weather was perfect for spending the day in the yard. But, it took the whole afternoon. I didn’t have time to do anything else, like writing, or reading, or relaxing in a chair enjoying the view.

Why do we do this to ourselves? We know better. We all know the benefits of spending a few minutes every day working on the yard, doing the laundry, washing the dishes, and multiple other tasks. Yet we let the dishes sit until the counter is no longer visible and we have to clean one bowl for our cereal in the morning.

So, I’m a failure.

But, I have time to change. I can become a success. My yard can look outstanding! I can write a few thousand words every week.

I don’t have to let my perfectionist tendencies keep me from starting. I believe the key for most of us is to work a little bit every single day.

Maybe next time I’ll tell you about the boulder you see sitting on the sidewalk. It needs to be moved. It’s heavy. It may or may not be a good representation of my book.

What do you need to weed?

Love and Law

14 Replies

I’ve been feeding on the doctrine/theology of my beloved Calvinist tradition.
My brain is well fed.
My heart is starving.
#Next3Decades

{This is a re-post from November 11, 2013.}

I posted these words on my Facebook page Sunday morning before leaving for the morning church service. It stirred up an interesting collection of comments.

If you are wondering about the last line, #Next3Decades, I’m using this phrase for the next few months at the end of Facebook and Twitter posts. I may use it all through 2014. It is intended to remind me, and maybe you, that change is possible. A friend of mine used it when I posted something about the last 30 years of my life. It grabbed me. I need to let go of the last 3 decades. I need to look to the #Next3Decades.

And that is the reason I posted the first three lines.

I haven’t posted here in about four weeks. At first I wasn’t 100% sure why. I had plenty of material available to post and promote. It would have led to some great discussions. But, I wasn’t happy with it. (I’ll post it at a later date. I still like it. It will promote conversation.)

In my heart I knew I needed to look for something else. I needed different content for my current frame of mind.

I found it.

Now back to the first three lines of the Sunday post.

The question that continually came to mind over the last few weeks related to something that was missing.

I was missing something. Something big.

What was I missing?

Grace and forgiveness.

My head is full of wonderful doctrine and theology. I collect it. I study it. I look for it in everything I read. I listen for it in every sermon.

During a counseling session I suddenly realized it wasn’t enough.

I had the head knowledge. I knew the words describing grace and forgiveness.

I knew Jesus had died on the cross for me. I knew that God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit loved me.

I knew it in my head.

How did I miss the part about my heart?

Don’t get me wrong, please. I’m not upset or disappointed with my Calvinism. I’m not upset with my upbringing and education. I will always love and spend time with doctrine/theology. And, I have no intentions of “falling off the wagon” so to speak. But, in the last six months my eyes and heart have been opened to what I was missing.

It was being offered to me from the pulpit, in my reading, through my music, in person by great friends, etc.

My defective brain didn’t let my heart see it or feel it.

I have hundreds of pages of journal notes about grace and love over law. But recent events have “cracked my heart open”.

Now it is time for me to allow grace and love to pour into me and over me.

Please join the conversation. Return to my blog every Monday and Thursday. I’ll do my best to make it worth your time.

Have you ever been stuck on the law? Have you ever been stuck on the love?

Letting Go

19 Replies

“One at a time doesn’t weigh too much. All together is a different story.”

How do you let go of something you didn’t even know you were holding? In my previous post I wrote that during a counseling session I discovered I had been carrying something for almost three decades. (You can find it here – Holding On | My Sandbox )

Here are a couple of analogies describing how heavy things can become without our noticing:
Three decades ago I weighed less than I do right now. Not a few pounds less. More than 70 lbs. Gaining 2.5 lbs a year doesn’t seem like much until you look at the total.

If I asked you to carry a backpack weighing 70 lbs, you would more than likely notice the weight. If I asked you to carry an empty backpack, but over the course of time I occasionally added a few pounds, you would not necessarily be aware of how heavy it was becoming.

Back to the counseling session.

Why am I in counseling/therapy? Why aren’t you? Sorry. That was a bit confrontational. I’m seeing a counselor because I’m depressed. I have been for years. Big, bad, clinical, Major Depressive Disorder, soul sucking, medication taking, life numbing depression.

Wow. There it is. In black and white on the screen.

Typing it is easy. Speaking it with real words coming from my mouth is a different issue.

Speaking with words about the reasons for the depression is hard. I was holding one of those reasons. (Think “death grip”.)

It was comfortable. It came to me bit by bit. It became heavy. Too heavy. 18 years ago the weight became too much. That was the first time I saw a counselor. That was the start of the medication. The medication made the weight bearable again. It became comfortable again. That is until a few weeks ago.

I returned to counseling for the first time in over a decade. Why so long? I have no idea. Life had settled into a predictable rhythm. I forgot what I was holding. I was trying to survive at home and thrive at work. I did thrive at work. For 16 years I was very good at my job. From the perspective of my co-workers, employer, friends, fellow church members and the general public, I had a good life.

My wife, my two boys, and I knew better.

On April 30, 2013 it all changed.

I lost my job.

Now what?

God knew better too. He always knows better. He had a plan. I was clueless to His plan. Working 65 hours a week will make you clueless. Not reading His Word and not spending time talking to Him will make you clueless too. God decided to wake me up. I’m sure He had been nudging me a bit. I never felt it. If I did feel it I didn’t realize what the sharp painful poke was all about. I ignored it. I ignored God.

I didn’t think I was ignoring God. I was going to church every week. I was taking notes during sermons. I was teaching 7^th graders every Sunday. I was singing praises to Him. But I didn’t get it.

I knew I was saved. I knew I was redeemed by the blood Jesus spilled for me. I understood all of it. My salvation is secure. Without a doubt.

But, I was missing something huge.

I was missing the full understanding of God’s forgiveness.

My counselor put me on the spot. I had told him there was something “back there”. I think it took me 20 minutes to speak the words. It was hard. I spoke the story. I spoke the words of where I believe my depression story began.

Here is how I was able to let go:
Counselor: “Do you truly believe God has forgiven you?”
Me: “Yes. I have no doubt.”
Counselor: “Have you been able to forgive yourself?”
Me: “No.”
Counselor: “So you’re telling me your personal standard for forgiving yourself is higher than God’s.”
Me: “Yep.”

I sat in silence as the realization and understanding came over me.

I let go.

The weight I had carried fell away.

What weight do you carry? Can you speak the words of your story?

Your ears need to hear your voice. Speak your story today.
#TRUTH #Next3Decades

(There is much more to my story. Releasing this burden does not cure my depression. The chemical imbalance in my brain has not gone away. But, a huge burden has been lifted from my heart and now I can begin moving forward.)