Tag Archives: Counseling

Pondering

Q: Is it possible to be over coached?

A few months ago I wrote this question down after a counseling session. I had begun counseling a few months earlier and had been through many sessions. Very good sessions. But, my therapist seemed at a roadblock of sorts. I was right there with him. The progress we had experienced at the start of our sessions had slowed dramatically. It wasn’t that the sessions were useless, but more like they needed to be spread out over a longer period of time. At the beginning the progress we made was extraordinary. It was obvious the deep need for me to see a professional was there. On the second or third visit a big breakthrough was made. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. You can read about it HERE.

For a number of sessions after the huge breakthrough, we discussed a wide variety of items, actions, plans, homework, etc. But, I was anxious. I was hopeful. I was anticipating the next big breakthrough. What was going to come next? The first big release was incredible! I wanted it to happen again. We kept at it for a while. At the end of one session he said those words I didn’t want to hear.

“What if there isn’t another big thing?”

I understood. We were trying hard to dig some more crap out of a place that didn’t necessarily have any more to give. Now what do we do?

Well, now we don’t see each other as often. Instead of every week, or every other week, the appointments are more along the lines of once a month. Sometimes even 5 or 6 weeks apart. We had come to the conclusion that I was being over coached. Too many instructions were being given in an attempt to find something. It was time for me to do the work on my own.

For me, working on my own revolves around reading, writing, talking, and thinking. A better way to put it might look like this: Pondering over ideas and potential actions.

Ponder. I like the word. I think it describes my preferred mode of operation. I like to take my time with an idea. I’m certainly not the knee jerk reaction let the words fly, kind of guy. I’d rather chew on a topic for a bit.

I’m a slow reader. Deliberate. Intentional. I like to let the ideas in a book, and the words of a sermon or speech, sink in and stew. I typically do this when I write too. I’ll jot down some notes, write a few paragraphs, and then let it sit for a while. Sometimes the longer an idea stews, the better it becomes. The clarity of the words comes into a much sharper focus.

Do you ponder? Do you jump right in?
I’d love to hear about your methods. Let me know in the “Comments” section. Join the conversation.
#Next3Decades

Stuck – Wondering Why

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I haven’t written, posted, published since January 1. 42 days. (Written on February 11, 2014)

Why? I had absolutely no clue until this morning. During my counseling session this morning we talked about why I may be stuck. What we surmised is that I may have given myself too much grace.

Instead of feeling the pressure to move forward with my dream this year, I recently extended the calendar. My wife will be attending grad school for 20 months beginning next January. I can’t jump into my dream this year and still have a viable income while she is in school. She’ll still be working, but not full-time. Plus, while she is “under the gun” for those 20 months, I should be running the house. The boys and I should make it as easy as possible for her to have the necessary time to study and relax. She shouldn’t have to be concerned with the dishes, the laundry, the grocery shopping and all the other things a family needs to look after every day. So I gave myself a break. No pressure. Instead of this year being my year, I’m now looking at a 3 year window. Without any deadlines or immediate goals, I slacked off. Kind of like the college professor giving the class an extra week to complete a term paper. Woohoo! No need to work on it right now. Let’s watch the Olympics, sleep in, read books, hang out with friends, etc. The work can come later. Oops.

While the idea of having time to work on a dream is appealing, sometimes the pressure is good for me. I looked at the lack of a deadline as a relief. I always dream in my head that I could get so much reading and writing accomplished if I was isolated for a month in a cabin in the mountains. I imagine being snowed in by a blizzard and producing an epic volume of content for blogs and books and articles. After talking about it this morning, I’m thinking a situation like that may not be so epic.

Today is my first attempt at writing. I placed a bit of pressure on myself by asking a few friends to check in on me by text between the hours of 10am and 3pm. Even if they don’t text me, the knowledge that they might text me pushes me to write. I want to be able to show them I’m working.

I am working. This is my second “article” of the morning. I finished a rough draft of an article I’ll submit to a blog I occasionally contribute to. It will be a good article. It needs editing. It needs clarification. It needs to stew. This is what needs to happen today. I need to write multiple words on multiple topics. Rough drafts. Crappy drafts. They can be edited later. Getting my thoughts out of my head, onto the screen, and letting them be for a few days, or weeks, is a good thing. Clear the space for more thoughts.

How do you get “unstuck”? What gets you “stuck”? Let me know in the comments. Let’s learn together! #Next3Decades

Letting Go

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“One at a time doesn’t weigh too much. All together is a different story.”

How do you let go of something you didn’t even know you were holding? In my previous post I wrote that during a counseling session I discovered I had been carrying something for almost three decades. (You can find it here – Holding On | My Sandbox )

Here are a couple of analogies describing how heavy things can become without our noticing:
Three decades ago I weighed less than I do right now. Not a few pounds less. More than 70 lbs. Gaining 2.5 lbs a year doesn’t seem like much until you look at the total.

If I asked you to carry a backpack weighing 70 lbs, you would more than likely notice the weight. If I asked you to carry an empty backpack, but over the course of time I occasionally added a few pounds, you would not necessarily be aware of how heavy it was becoming.

Back to the counseling session.

Why am I in counseling/therapy? Why aren’t you? Sorry. That was a bit confrontational. I’m seeing a counselor because I’m depressed. I have been for years. Big, bad, clinical, Major Depressive Disorder, soul sucking, medication taking, life numbing depression.

Wow. There it is. In black and white on the screen.

Typing it is easy. Speaking it with real words coming from my mouth is a different issue.

Speaking with words about the reasons for the depression is hard. I was holding one of those reasons. (Think “death grip”.)

It was comfortable. It came to me bit by bit. It became heavy. Too heavy. 18 years ago the weight became too much. That was the first time I saw a counselor. That was the start of the medication. The medication made the weight bearable again. It became comfortable again. That is until a few weeks ago.

I returned to counseling for the first time in over a decade. Why so long? I have no idea. Life had settled into a predictable rhythm. I forgot what I was holding. I was trying to survive at home and thrive at work. I did thrive at work. For 16 years I was very good at my job. From the perspective of my co-workers, employer, friends, fellow church members and the general public, I had a good life.

My wife, my two boys, and I knew better.

On April 30, 2013 it all changed.

I lost my job.

Now what?

God knew better too. He always knows better. He had a plan. I was clueless to His plan. Working 65 hours a week will make you clueless. Not reading His Word and not spending time talking to Him will make you clueless too. God decided to wake me up. I’m sure He had been nudging me a bit. I never felt it. If I did feel it I didn’t realize what the sharp painful poke was all about. I ignored it. I ignored God.

I didn’t think I was ignoring God. I was going to church every week. I was taking notes during sermons. I was teaching 7^th graders every Sunday. I was singing praises to Him. But I didn’t get it.

I knew I was saved. I knew I was redeemed by the blood Jesus spilled for me. I understood all of it. My salvation is secure. Without a doubt.

But, I was missing something huge.

I was missing the full understanding of God’s forgiveness.

My counselor put me on the spot. I had told him there was something “back there”. I think it took me 20 minutes to speak the words. It was hard. I spoke the story. I spoke the words of where I believe my depression story began.

Here is how I was able to let go:
Counselor: “Do you truly believe God has forgiven you?”
Me: “Yes. I have no doubt.”
Counselor: “Have you been able to forgive yourself?”
Me: “No.”
Counselor: “So you’re telling me your personal standard for forgiving yourself is higher than God’s.”
Me: “Yep.”

I sat in silence as the realization and understanding came over me.

I let go.

The weight I had carried fell away.

What weight do you carry? Can you speak the words of your story?

Your ears need to hear your voice. Speak your story today.
#TRUTH #Next3Decades

(There is much more to my story. Releasing this burden does not cure my depression. The chemical imbalance in my brain has not gone away. But, a huge burden has been lifted from my heart and now I can begin moving forward.)