Tag Archives: #Next3Decades

Something, something, about something

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Falling Deception Pass, WA

 

A few weeks ago I posted about being STUCK. I experienced a release of words. The words had been accumulating in my mind for weeks. I spit them out.

Now what?

Keep going? You bet.

One lesson I learned through the brief period of no words is the need to continue. Writing begets writing. A body in motion stays in motion. So I continue to write. The writing does not need to be brilliant (even if I want it to be). My words need to leave my head. Create, create, create. Keep moving and exercising the brain muscle.

I read quite a few blogs published by professional writers. They blog on a variety of topics, but one thing they have in common is they post on “how” to write. They are very generous with the supposed secrets of their craft. There really aren’t any secrets. Most of the information shared by them has been shared with them at one time or another. Now I’m going to lean on them, use them, learn from them, and write. Sooner or later my writing will improve. My writing “voice” will be refined. My message will come into focus. Jon, Jeff, Andy, Michele,…………..thank you!

What am I writing about?

I’m glad you asked.

You name it. I’ll write about it. For me, right now, the topic doesn’t necessarily matter so much as the actual practice of writing. A few topics rolling around in my head, and scribbled in way too many places (yes, I need to learn to use one system) include Baseball, Communion (The Lord’s Supper), Masculinity, Selling, Family, Community, Depression (specifically as it relates to men), etc.

There are plenty of topics available to me. Now is the time for me to be bold, create something, and hit the pesky “Publish” button.

As I post more often, I’d love for you to participate. Leave comments. Ask questions. Help me define my message and find my voice. Go back through my small collection of posts and ask me questions about what I’ve written. Please.

As I sit here writing this morning, I’m also have a text conversation with one of you. I’ve been given one more great prompt for writing. “Who” As in, “Who am I writing for?” What a great question!

So there you have it friends.

Thanks so much for your continual encouragement.

Thank you for your honest opinions.

I’m excited for the #Next3Decades!

Letting Go

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“One at a time doesn’t weigh too much. All together is a different story.”

Man Praying

How do you let go of something you didn’t even know you were holding? In my previous post I wrote that during a counseling session I discovered I had been carrying something for almost three decades. (You can find it here – Holding On | My Sandbox )

Here are a couple of analogies describing how heavy things can become without our noticing:
Three decades ago I weighed less than I do right now. Not a few pounds less. More than 70 lbs. Gaining 2.5 lbs a year doesn’t seem like much until you look at the total.

If I asked you to carry a backpack weighing 70 lbs, you would more than likely notice the weight. If I asked you to carry an empty backpack, but over the course of time I occasionally added a few pounds, you would not necessarily be aware of how heavy it was becoming.

Back to the counseling session.

Why am I in counseling/therapy? Why aren’t you? Sorry. That was a bit confrontational. I’m seeing a counselor because I’m depressed. I have been for years. Big, bad, clinical, Major Depressive Disorder, soul sucking, medication taking, life numbing depression.

Wow. There it is. In black and white on the screen.

Typing it is easy. Speaking it with real words coming from my mouth is a different issue.

Speaking with words about the reasons for the depression is hard. I was holding one of those reasons. (Think “death grip”.)

It was comfortable. It came to me bit by bit. It became heavy. Too heavy. 18 years ago the weight became too much. That was the first time I saw a counselor. That was the start of the medication. The medication made the weight bearable again. It became comfortable again. That is until a few weeks ago.

I returned to counseling for the first time in over a decade. Why so long? I have no idea. Life had settled into a predictable rhythm. I forgot what I was holding. I was trying to survive at home and thrive at work. I did thrive at work. For 16 years I was very good at my job. From the perspective of my co-workers, employer, friends, fellow church members and the general public, I had a good life.

My wife, my two boys, and I knew better.

On April 30, 2013 it all changed.

I lost my job.

Now what?

God knew better too. He always knows better. He had a plan. I was clueless to His plan. Working 65 hours a week will make you clueless. Not reading His Word and not spending time talking to Him will make you clueless too. God decided to wake me up. I’m sure He had been nudging me a bit. I never felt it. If I did feel it I didn’t realize what the sharp painful poke was all about. I ignored it. I ignored God.

I didn’t think I was ignoring God. I was going to church every week. I was taking notes during sermons. I was teaching 7th graders every Sunday. I was singing praises to Him. But I didn’t get it.

I knew I was saved. I knew I was redeemed by the blood Jesus spilled for me. I understood all of it. My salvation is secure. Without a doubt.

But, I was missing something huge.

I was missing the full understanding of God’s forgiveness.

My counselor put me on the spot. I had told him there was something “back there”. I think it took me 20 minutes to speak the words. It was hard. I spoke the story. I spoke the words of where I believe my depression story began.

Here is how I was able to let go:
Counselor:  “Do you truly believe God has forgiven you?”
Me:  “Yes. I have no doubt.”
Counselor:  “Have you been able to forgive yourself?”
Me:  “No.”
Counselor:  “So you’re telling me your personal standard for forgiving yourself is higher than God’s.”
Me:  “Yep.”

I sat in silence as the realization and understanding came over me.

I let go.

The weight I had carried fell away.

 

What weight do you carry? Can you speak the words of your story?

Your ears need to hear your voice. Speak your story today.
#TRUTH  #Next3Decades

 

(There is much more to my story. Releasing this burden does not cure my depression. The chemical imbalance in my brain has not gone away. But, a huge burden has been lifted from my heart and now I can begin moving forward.)